How To Date Smarter

Welcome to the post-COVID world!

First, we want to congratulate DJ Mo Twister, one of our guests, on his stunning wedding in Iceland. Stories like this give us hope that true love awaits all of us. Also, we can’t get over that DJ Mo Twister called his wife “My Khaleesi” Source: DJ Mo Twister’s Instagram.

Thirsty & Thirty’s Skill #3: How To Date Smarter

In the last month or so, I’ve been getting a few messages from ladies and gents who feel dating burnout. The feelings are extreme from being overly optimistic to lethargic on the prospect of dating again. You’ve heard the phrases “hot girl summer” or “hot boy summer.” And, there is also the reality of virtual romances fizzling out.

Calm down. While governments work out how to rollout vaccines and how to patch up economies, I will be helping you patch up your dating life. In my early 20s, I went through a short break up with a long-term partner. I was nervous and excited about dating again. Bumble was very new then. So, I jumped at the chance, lined up date after date (about ten). I binged on dating. But, I burnt out so fast that I did get back with my ex after a few months. So, I wouldn’t want to wish you the same mistake. Here’s a short guide I’m writing for that girl (or you guys) on what I wish she knew then. And, what I’m hoping you guys will keep in mind.

I’ve combined nuggets of wisdom from two of my favorite people right now— Logan Ury (Behavioral Scientist, Writer of How Not To Die Alone) and DJ Mo Twister (A Seasoned DJ of 10 Years in Philippine Radio).

Get your dating profile and filters right.

I had a funny conversation with my parents last Monday. They asked me over margaritas, “why would a guy date you?” I blurted out the dumbest answer like I was in a job interview, “I’m hardworking.” They corrected me that one needs to have a lovely face and/or body, a great personality, and empathetic nature. Look, whether it’s true or not, no one is looking for hardworking. So, think about what makes you unique and put it on your dating profile.

  1. Here’s practical advice on setting up your profile:

    • No pics with sunglasses.

    • No group photos that confuse people.

    • Pictures of women (smiling with teeth, looking away) work better.

    • Use candids over posed photographs.

    • Stop posting selfies.

    • Black and white images win.

    • Have one photo of your face, your whole body, and one doing an activity you love.

    • Be creative and authentic with your bio. Nicole Ponseca, one of our guests, is an NYC restauranteur and James Beard nominee for her I Am Filipino cookbook. She didn’t mention these achievements on her profile because she didn’t want to be considered a snore. Instead, she placed “I’m a magician.”

  1. Change your filters. Widen the range from age, height, and qualifications. Stop limiting yourself. And when you swipe, don’t do it mindlessly. Read the bio and question your assumptions. Before swiping left, take a second and breathe.

Put yourself out there in real or virtual life.

According to Logan Ury, there are two questions you need to be thinking about on going out again (besides being vaccinated and cautious): 1) How likely is it that I’ll interact with other people at this event? 2) How likely is it that I’ll enjoy myself at this event?

Commit to two events per month, and you can use this grid below. Make sure the event falls under the top right corner. Other ways to date again would be to get set up by family or friends. Or, look at your friends' list. If you need help in this realm, message us at @thirstyandthirty.

Go on that second date.

Unless there are alarming red flags, give a person a second chance. Ury suggests that you need to get past the first date. After the first date, list three positive qualities of that person. And ask yourself— how did that person make me feel?

Real conversations > small talk.

I’ve always enjoyed getting to know people. But, doing this podcast has taught me a lot about interviewing. And, the ultimate lesson here is to be interested, not interesting. Or stop impressing, be involved. Save your programmed stories and ask the person what makes them tick or what brings them life. If you are not good at asking questions, use these 150 Q’s. If you want specific questions to your interest, message us on Instagram and I can make some for you.

Golden rule: do unto others what you’d like them to do to you.

One of the most challenging things to deal with is ghosting. So, please make a pact that you won't ghost if it doesn't work out after the second date. Here's a short and sweet template for you to use:

"Hey (insert a name.) Thanks for taking the time to meet with me. I enjoyed talking about (something specific). I don't think we're a romantic match, but it was a pleasure meeting you."

Don’t stress. To reject and be rejected is part of life.


Now, let’s go to DJ Mo’s advice, which is the ice bucket challenge of all dating advice. Warning for men: this is not a pleasant picture of you. But, this is keeping in mind the garden variety guy. If you are the exception to the rule, then fantastic, you are a unicorn.

  1. Remove sex from the equation. Then, you'll know who's willing to take the time to get to know you. Mo said that most men don't want to hang out with women. They would prefer to play sports, hang out with their friends, or play video games. He even suggests watching Animal Planet or National Geographic to understand the dynamics of the chase. If a man wants to hang out with you over video games or sports, then that's something.

  2. Do your due diligence on who you are going to date. Scan the internet or social media platforms. Ask his or her friends. Check out their family tree. It sounds a bit extreme but makes sure you know what you're getting into. Mo said even dating someone from a broken family could lead to some significant challenges later on.

  3. We asked Mo about men, but we also asked him what women should stop doing. And he said, if you’re serious about someone, don’t get drunk around other men. Don’t put yourself in uncomfortable situations that can put your potential relationship at risk.

  4. Be clear with your intentions. There's no rule on the number of dates you should go on before committing. But if you are pushing for a definition of your relationship, never assume. Talk. And if the person is unclear or is not willing to commit, don't waste your time. Our 30s are prime years. We are no longer in our 20s, where we can afford to be dazed and confused.

These are just some tips that I wish I knew before. The reality is you’ll still go through dating burnout but being self-aware is key here. We also need to be cool, calm, and collected in life and love like our guests last night, The Thompsons.

And, if you are nervous about dating and getting out there, send us an email at thirstyandthirty@gmail.com. We can meet with you on zoom to chat through and put a plan for you.

Best of luck out there! But remember luck is when preparation meets opportunity .


Footnotes:

If you want to remove your rose-tinted glasses on dating or stop asking silly questions about men, listen to these harsh truths.

If you want to have fun with online dating, Ciari and I chat with another fellow podcaster Mish on her show on the benefits of apps. Our perspective is online dating helps banter and conversation skills. If you see it for what it is, you can find a way to enjoy it!


Every week, Ciari and I set a goal to make our relationships better. This newsletter is for anyone that wants to improve their personal lives. If you have a friend that might need this right now, share this post. 

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