How To Get Out Of Toxic Relationships
Understanding your mental prisons | Katrina & Kris - 30 Questions
Every week, I set a goal for you and me to make our relationships better. This week, I focus on how you can get out of toxic relationships and nurture healthy ones. Fingers crossed, these lessons work for both of us. You’ll have to be patient with me as it may take more than one newsletter.
If you are going through a rough patch, an exciting relationship moment, or want to express your thoughts, please email me back at thirstyandthirty@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you. And, if you have a friend that might need this right now, share this post.
Toxic relationships blind us. I remember in the past, a colleague quoted motivational speaker Jim Rohn, “You're the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” when she was talking about my tumultuous relationship.
I dug deep and thought of the five people around me. Who could I remove? I wanted to trade in the other four besides my then-partner. All because of blinding loyalty and the fear of failure in one's relationship.
Here's the hard truth about that moment— my thinking didn't work. In reality, there was no cheating the system. Even if I added a good person in the mix, there was still the person that didn't bring the best out of me. And vice versa.
I procrastinated on her advice. And as a result, I wasted a lot of my time and other people’s time around me. This scenario begs the question—how does one not fall under the same trap?
The first step is self-awareness.
Last week, I read "The Gift: 12 Lessons to Save Your Life." This book taught me two lessons I wish I knew in my 20s:
Only your mind can imprison you.
Pain is temporary.
Often, we make excuses to stay in toxic relationships. We replay these reasons such as "Things change.", "It was a mistake.", "No one understands our relationship." I'm sure you've heard these statements before. Eger's book shows us 12 mental prisons we trap ourselves in and exercises that help us overcome our minds.
Victimhood is rigor mortis of the mind. It's stuck in the past, stuck in pain, and stuck on the losses and deficits: what I can't do and what I don't have.
The longer we stay in toxic relationships, the more complicated for us to leave and give way to our growth. We have to remember that alone doesn't mean loneliness.
Exercise: Remember a painful moment in your relationship. Write two types of letters to the person who hurt you, one motivated by pain and another motivated by gratitude.
In avoidance, the opposite of depression is expression. What comes out of you doesn’t make you sick; what stays in there does.
We can't heal what we don't feel. Sometimes, we don't express our thoughts because we fear labels, rejection, and judgment. In reality, our feelings do not make our identities.
Exercise: Come back to a situation you didn't express and say this, "You know, I didn't know how to tell this at the time, but I realize I was feeling ____ when ____.
When we self-neglect, we often use substances and behaviors to medicate our wounds: food, sugar, alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex. We can even do healthy things in excess. We can become addicted to work, or exercise or restrictive diets. But when we’re hungry for affection, attention, and — for the things we didn’t get when we were young— nothing is ever going to be enough to fill the need.
Life is about balance. Eger says, “In every person, we have an entire family in us. The childish part who wants everything now and fast and easy. The childlike part who is curious free spirit, adept at following whims, instincts, and desires without judgment or fear or shame. There’s the teenager who likes to flirt and risk and test boundaries. There’s the rational adult who thinks things through, makes plans, sets goals, figures out how to reach them. And there are the two parents: the caring one and scaring one. The one who is kind and loving and nurturing and the one who comes in with voice raised and finger-wagging, who says, ‘you should, you must, you have to.’ We need our entire inner family to be whole. And when we’re free, this family works in balance, as a team, everyone welcome, no one absent or silenced or ruling the roost.”
Exercise: Make a chart showing how many hours a day you spend on work, love, and play. Adjust the hours depending on which part you’d like to nourish more. The goal is to have a balance.
Reckoning and release are impossible when we keep secrets— when we operate under a code of denial, delusion, or minimization.
Radical honesty delivered with compassion is the only way to go.
Exercise: Sit on two chairs with your butt in the middle. That’s the feeling of keeping a secret.
Guilt and Shame— Freedom lies in accepting our whole, imperfect selves and giving up the need for perfection.
Exercise: Admit your mistake and say to yourself that it does not make you the wrong person. You can replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk.
Unresolved grief can serve as a roadblock in life. To give way to grief is to revisit our priorities.
Exercise: Think of a moment of grief. Spend 30 minutes reflecting on the memory. List what positive directions can come out of it.
Conflict is human. When we avoid conflict, we’re actually moving closer to tyranny than to peace. Conflict itself isn’t imprisoning. What keeps us trapped is the rigid thinking we often use to manage conflict.
Exercise: Write a list of things that upset you about a person. Now, rewrite it as just facts. Then, choose one thing in the list and try to address it with the person.
Resentment erodes our relationships.
There are three steps when couples fight: frustration, fighting, and making up. Following these steps diligently is how we allow resentment to grow. Instead, you need to change the dance steps.
Exercise: Make a list of qualities that make you thrive in a relationship.
Paralyzing fear cannot co-exist with love.
Exercise: Remove the words I can’t, I’m trying, I need to. Replace with I can, I want, I’m willing, and I choose.
Judgment hinders compassion.
Exercise: Write the messages that you hear for one week from other people. Label them as good or bad depending on how they made you feel.
At times we lose hope when we lose courage. Hope is actually the boldest act of imagination. We need to work at always being hopeful no matter what.
Exercise: Make a list of things that are better now than it was five years ago. You can look at your personal life or the bigger picture of the universe.
Not forgiving can lead to silent rage, which is self-destructive. We need to learn how to forgive not for the other person but as something we do for ourselves.
Exercise: Make a rage date. Learn how to box or to kick. Throw a plate to a wall.
Look, you’re not going to be able to work on all these 12 mental prisons in one go. Focus on one at a time. Do the exercises and go easy on yourself. You can even do them with a friend to keep you on the right track. And keep in mind,
“Freedom is a lifetime practice— a choice we get to make again and again each day. Ultimately, freedom requires hope, which I define in two ways: the awareness that suffering, however, terrible, is temporary; and the curiosity to discover what happens next. Hope allows us to live in the present instead of the past, and to unlock the doors of our mental prisons. Change is about interrupting the habits and patterns that no longer serve us. When you change your life, it’s to become the real you.”
30 Questions with Thriving Women— Katrina & Kris Ponce-Enrile
There is power in hearing someone’s real story. In our Sunday mini-episode, we talk to Katrina and Kris, a mother-daughter tandem. Katrina is an established food entrepreneur with her brand, Delimondo Corned Beef. And Kris is studying law.
In our conversation with them, they share their past experiences with unhealthy relationships and advice for those that find themselves in similar situations.
“Shame dies when you share your stories. Your voice is a powerful tool, no matter how soft you’re speaking.” —Kris Ponce-Enrile
“Never fear failing. Be able to stand up, dust yourself off and try again.” —Katrina Ponce-Enrile
Foot Notes
What To Watch: Closer on complex relationships/ What To Read: The Gift: 12 Lessons to Save Your Life / What To Listen To: Brené with Dr. Edith Eger Podcast, Our Episode on Dating As A Single Parent, Being Intentional & Being A Better Person / What To Do: Shop for a good reason. On Monday, Ciari and I are starting a book drive through Instagram where we sell our pre-loved clothes. All the money will go to books that will help women and men, who are experiencing anxiety with their lives and relationships. Our first book is How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love by Logan Ury.
This Week’s Episode: Single, Taken & Married
This episode is all about siblings in different stages in their lives and how to deal with pressures from others when you’re not following the typical route society dictates on us.
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