How to navigate long distance relationships
We got this email recently from a listener asking about her long-distance relationship (LDR), where they broke up because of a mismatch in values. And after some time of post-breakup recovery, she asked if she should've been more flexible with her values. Our latest episode covers all about LDRs. And it answers when you should continue an LDR or not.
The number one criterion for continuing LDR is having a shared vision of Happily Ever After. And it takes a lot of talking and follow through to know if that is the case.
And if the answer is yes, here are some tips you can try out:
Make a plan to close the gap. I recently got into an LDR with someone 10,000 kms away from me. And because I didn't trust myself to make a plan, I contacted the Love Institute and spoke to Maribel Dionisio, a relationship expert. I asked her, "Can you make me a timeline or a Gantt chart?" People laugh at this story every time I share it. But, if there's anything I've learned, choosing the right person to commit to is one of the most important decisions you can make. Invest in proper guidance.
Find out each other's communication styles. We all know about the different love languages. How about communication styles? Is he a person who likes to text every day? Or does the person like a once-a-week phone call that lasts two hours? You must find this out beforehand and see if you can do so.
Have moments to look forward to. Whether it's Valentine's Day or a trip together, you must make these moments memorable. Never take each other for granted, and don't hesitate to show your appreciation through small or grand gestures. Practice some tender loving care (TLC).
Honey and Ciari are both married to their significant others (SO). So they are perfect examples of that LDRs can work. With mine? I'm still determining! Hopeful though.
Have you had your own experience with LDRs? Tell me what worked or didn't work.
A micro habit you can try.
Single - Write a letter to yourself about what a healthy relationship looks like for you.
Taken - Plan a day for your SO that you think they would like, even if it's different from what you would like!
Smarter love library
Here's a beautiful story of how a friendship turned into a relationship after ten years. Thanks to an unusual date with Grandpa. (New York Times)
Mark Mansons' guide to surviving LDRs is ultimately no BS. He runs through his own experience, but here are two of our favorite quotes: (Mark Manson's website)
"Long-distance relationships can only work if both partners put their money where their genitals are. OK, that sounded weird . . . but what I mean is that you have to make the logistical, life-rearranging commitment to one another for it to have any chance of working."
"A long-distance relationship cannot survive without hope. And for there to be hope, there must be some possibility that the two people involved will one day be together and achieve a Happily Ever After. Without that shared vision of Happily Ever After, everything else will quickly begin to feel meaningless."
What An Expert Said
We just came across this quote from Harvard's Instagram on how good relationships can lead to happier and healthier lives:
"Everybody needs at least one solid relationship, someone whom they feel they can count on in times of need," says Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies of adult life ever conducted.
The research began in 1938 with 724 participants: 268 Harvard College sophomores and 456 young adults from Boston. It now includes 1,300 descendants of its original participants. Researchers followed the first generation of participants through their entire adult lives, from teenage years into old age. When they reached age 80, researchers looked back at the participants' lives in middle age to try to see what the biggest predictors were of who would be happy and healthy at age 80. "We thought that cholesterol level or blood pressure at age 50 would be more important. They were not," Robert said. "It was satisfaction in their relationships, particularly in their marriages, that was the best predictor of a happy and healthy life."
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