How To Really Listen — Boy Abunda
To Someone You Like or Love
Dear Friends,
I have to confess that I've been avoiding this newsletter like the plague. I've been suffering from imposter's syndrome, giving relationship advice to you all when I don't have the best track record.
We started Thirsty & Thirty last August, hoping that there was such a thing as a rational kind of love. Here's a reality check— There's no such thing after hearing all the types of love stories. But, there is a self-aware kind of love. And that might be where our hope lies.
So, let's get to it and give this one more go. My only wish:
Use these tips in your life!
Let me know if it works or it doesn't work at thirstyandthirty@gmail.com.
I'd love to hear from you.
Relationship Skill #1: How To Listen To Someone You Love or Like
1) Be Present (I know it’s a cliche but do it anyway).
People find this idea challenging given all the distractions. Whoever you're texting or speaking to, think of them as the only person that exists in the room. Share stories, ask questions, and say their name. And if you can't have a current conversation, be honest and make time for it another day.
We recently interviewed Boy Abunda, who is the Oprah of The Philippines. He is a golden example of being present and vulnerable.
2) Think Like The Other Person is Foreign To You.
At the beginning of the year, we interviewed a young couple based in Ulsan, South Korea. The husband, Yu Cheol, told us that because Adrienne is Filipina, he had to listen more carefully. Sometimes, when we have our biases or speak the same language, we can take that for granted and not pay attention to our significant other. Whether you are dating someone of the same or different culture, try it out. Listen to their words.
3) Practice Support Responses Instead of Shift Responses.
From Logan Ury's book, How To Not Die Alone, she cites the work of sociologist Charles Derber on shift versus support response. A shift response brings back the conversation to yourself. Support response encourages the speaker to continue their story. To become a better conversationalist and more caring towards someone, the support response is the way to go.
Example:
Boy: How's your day?
Girl: I had the worst day at work. I've never been more exhausted in my life.
Boy: Me too. I hate this work-from-home situation. (Shift response)
A better response:
Boy: How come? (Support response)
This Week’s Episode: Mind of A Man —This episode features DJ Mo Twister. He has been on the radio for years, known for Forbidden Questions and Good Times with Mo. He's heard every love problem ever known to humanity.
His advice to us— look at the family tree of that person. And, watch National Geographic.
Kape, Pandesal, Chismis (15-minute chat): We read an anonymous letter over coffee, and we weigh in! This girl wants to know if she should send a postcard to a former virtual flame. Yay or nay? Next week, we have a gut-wrenching letter.
Every week, Ciari and I set a goal to make our relationships better. This newsletter is for anyone that wants to improve their personal lives.
If you are going through a rough patch, an exciting relationship moment, or want to express your thoughts, please email us back at thirstyandthirty@gmail.com. We’d love to hear from you. And, if you have a friend that might need this right now, share this post.