Lessons From Bianca King, Founder of Made Mindful | 30Qs with Thriving Women
& How To Use The Power of Now To Lessen Your Worries
Every week, I set a goal for you and me to make our relationships better. This week, I focus on mindfulness, the power of now, and how to stop worrying. Fingers crossed, these lessons work for both of us. You’ll have to be patient with me as it may take more than one newsletter.
If you are going through a rough patch, an exciting relationship moment, or want to express your thoughts, please email me back at thirstyandthirty@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you. And, if you have a friend that might need this right now, share this post.
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We are a society obsessed with 'the shiny new thing.' We love ordering and receiving new packages, gifts or anything tangible. Just think about your phone and the endless notifications that make you anxious and busy.
In our conversation with Bianca King, founder of Made Mindful and former actress, I asked her why we are not mindful about how we're living.
Bea: “why are we not thinking about how we live and all the adornments that come with that?”
Bianca: “We're more inclined to go through life mindlessly. And to be mindful, you have to learn how to do it. There is a conscious effort to be mindful for that to become your way of life. Because it's easier to live life mindlessly and not be thinking of the repercussions, the effects. You just do things because that's what you know.
Bianca King used to act. And she loved doing comedy in particular. She decided to give up acting because it took a toll on her health— particularly her sleep, which she considers today more valuable. In the hour that Ciari and I spoke to her from Sydney, it was clear that she was living a mindful and intentional life. This mindset is one that every woman or man can learn from. Here are a few of our favorite lessons from Bianca:
On relationships— how does one survive long distance and virtual romances?
Somebody said this to me when Ralph and I started dating. He was like, "you both have to know where or when you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Dapat may plano na kayo (You have to have a plan). No matter how long it takes, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you're going to get there. And that's what kind of keeps you going. You do the work, you do the FaceTime calls, WhatsApp every day. And one thing also, use the time to really get to know each other.
Bianca mentioned: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.
On the secret to a good relationship
You don't need to tell your partner everything. You guys don't need to say everything to each other. Some things are best left unsaid, but communication in terms of if you have a conflict, for example, if you have opposing ideas, then that's when you should communicate sufficiently.
On looking for love
Stop aggressively looking and just let go. But of course, you always have to keep your doors open, right? Because if you're not putting yourself out there in a certain way, if you're not claiming it, if you're not manifesting it, it's not going to come to you.
On spotting a red flag
If it causes you or them or anyone discomfort or sorry, not anyone, but I meant anyone very close to you, who you trust and respect. That's a red flag.
On choosing your next adventure & career shifting
You just go on living life. Do what feels right. Experience life. And then one day it's just going to hit you. Without a doubt in your mind, you will know. Shit, this is what I was supposed to do. And then you'll feel very passionate about it. You'll be very patient in writing about it, so you know what to do. Because you obviously need a plan, right? You need to understand the path you're going to take by maybe— journaling, creating an outline, a business plan, mapping things out, When it's the right thing for you, that'll all just come to you.
On work-life balance
Before I start working on Made Mindful, I'll probably spend about two to three hours just like chilling at home. I like going for a walk, tidying up, having a coffee, and reading first for an hour. I really try to balance work and life now. I really limit my work hours to four to six hours of focused work.
Bianca recommends looking at the ideas of Naval Ravikant for any budding entrepreneur.
On practical advice
I've trained myself to list out my expenses. And invest in real estate.
On overcoming roadblocks
Let go, like the art of non-attachment. I have two books that will help with this one: 'The Daily Stoic' (by Ryan Holiday) and 'The Art of Happiness' by The Dalai Lama. I always recommend those books to people.
On success
It's being able to sleep eight hours every day. Plus, it's being able to go to bed and wake up whatever time you want without being stressed about work. Without the stress of 'I have to work' regardless of what income bracket you are, how much you make, what you do.
The Power of Now 101
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is a book that needs your attention and mental stamina. It's a hard one to process at times, but if you are patient enough, you'll get some nuggets of wisdom that can free you from your mind. With this book, you can keep coming back to it or even find yourself reading once a year. These are some of the most memorable moments:
On how ego gets in the way
“Since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things. It needs to be both defended and fed constantly. The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, personal and family history, belief systems, and often also political, nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you. Do you find this frightening? Or is it a relief to know this? All of these things you will have to relinquish sooner or later. Perhaps you find it as yet hard to believe, and I am certainly not asking you to believe that your identity cannot be found in any of those things. You will know the truth of it for yourself. You will know it at the latest when you feel death approaching. Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to “die before you die” — and find that there is no death.”
On how our fears are not ours, but our egos’.
“All fear is the ego's fear of death, of annihilation."
On short-lived relief & escapism
“Many people use alcohol, drugs, sex, food, work, television, or even shopping as anesthetics in an unconscious attempt to remove the basic unease. When this happens, an activity that might be very enjoyable if used in moderation becomes imbued with a compulsive or addictive quality, and all that is ever achieved through it is extremely short-lived symptom relief.”
On our lack of being present and overthinking can block good relationships
“As long as you are completely trapped in your form of identity, there can be no love. Your task is not to search for love but to find a portal through which love can enter.”
On codependency and thinking our relationships will save us
“You have to find the joy of being. No relationship will make you enlightened.”
On finding someone who values being present as much as you
“The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance or your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate - in love - or move ever more deeply into the Now together —into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple.”
Two things to try:
Every time you feel that there is something negative going on with you, try to tell yourself— Attention. Here and now. Wake up.
Practice being transparent — If someone offends you or hurts you, let it get through you. Let everything pass through you. It doesn't mean that you can't tell a person that his or her behavior is unacceptable. It means that you forgive. Turn the other cheek. Every piece of meat, every moment is the best.
*If you’ve read the book, let me know what you think! I’d love to know your thoughts. thirstyandthirty@gmail.com
Foot Notes
What To Watch: Modern Love, Away We Go / What To Read: The Power of Now (If you have the mental stamina), Imitations: Six Essays by Zadie Smith (Audiobook is delightful.) / What To Listen To: We are by Jon Batiste, Episode 27: How To Be Dateable - Date Like A Podcaster with Luke West of The Imperfect Pod
This Week’s Episode is our 30th! — The Bachelor & The Bachelorette
This episode is all about the question, “does true love exist?” And for these two single people, we’ll ask them what it will take for them to settle down.
Thank you for reading! Have a good week ahead. Just remember, if you feel anything negative going on with you, tell yourself, as Eckhart Tolle would say, "Attention. Here and now. Wake up."