Lessons From Two Men
On how to attain the unattainable
I remember when I turned 21, I wrote my ideal timeline in life on a small green Post-it note:
21 Graduate from university.
22 Start working in a media company.
24 to 25 Get married.
27 Have your first kid.
30 Be a millionaire.
I had no idea what was in front of me. I wanted to tick the boxes, no matter what. I didn't even bother to think about the process of reaching these life milestones. I considered each bullet point as simple as "do your laundry."
At about 29, I was unhappy, unsatisfied, and nowhere near any of the 3rd and 4th tasks of my Post-it note. The feeling of frustration was an understatement. For almost a decade, I was distracted about being in a relationship that I didn't even ask myself the most critical questions— is the person right for me? Am I right for this person? Do we make each other better? I continued only to find out in the end that we didn't share the same Post-it.
These days, I think about this note a lot and what made me naive to believe it would be that simple. I copied my parents' exact narrative with the very thought of not fixing what's not broken. I thought what worked for them would work for me. It turns out the story wasn't right for me.
I wonder now that I have the currency of time, lessons & self-reflection: how does one attain a life companion?
In episode 17, DJ TonyToni and Leandro shared their perspective on finding what's right for you. Ciari and I chose these two men because they offered us a clear and fresh view that we wouldn't always get from a group of girlfriends. They also come from two spectrums—DJ TonyToni is committed to being a bachelor, And Leandro has been in a long-term relationship with a girl he met in his teens. (Highlights of The Episode) Together, they made me forgive my naïveté. Here are just some of the lessons I’ve learned from TonyToni and Leandro:
There are three things that you never chase for— true love, real friends, and money.
When you start chasing those things, it can go the wrong way. And you're setting up with expectations of a big disappointment. — DJ TonyToni
What we want can range from age. Timing is everything.
It's timing and him wanting it because even if you guys are going out, and even if you guys are engaged if he's not sure of himself, he'll still back out. He'll get into it, and it won't be where he's 100%. — DJ TonyToni
Girls have a superpower to detect bullshit. Use it and do your due diligence.
Girls have to be wiser— the filter, the due diligence, and using that inner gut feeling that women have that's so great. That's a superpower. Women have this ability just to know when a guy's bullshitting them....A lot of you turned a blind eye because of your comfortability. Also, the time you've invested and your insecurity will come out where I will never find anyone else. You only get the love that you deserve. — DJ TonyToni
Ignore the narrative of society. Appreciate the process and get to know the person.
I'm in a relationship since I was 18. So if you think about that process, it's different as to someone in the dating game right now; their timelines are a lot faster. In a way, you could say that I had the luxury of time. Like, I had my youth, or missed out on it, depending on who I'm talking to...So over time, I've gotten to know the girl, and we know we've got to experience our shit. And when you go through shit, this is when you build those points. That's when you start thinking, this is becoming a good bet, longer-term and all of that. — Leandro
Should you go for excitement or calmness in a person?
It's always a mix of the exciting and the stable. I can't think of anyone who wants just one of those. You need that mix. And you need to know when you're getting that mix, because that's the only way you can work things out with someone, especially when you're talking to one forever. You need to get that mix down... You got to be excited and stable at the same time. — Leandro
Magnify your happiness by focusing on your own. Don't let your relationship define your inner peace.
It's a continuous thing— meeting people, breakups, you know, falling in love. The key is just making yourself better. And learning from that last relationship. I think people have to understand that breakups happen. You fall in love and break up, and then life continues. It's important to have that intrapersonal intelligence... you have that ability to dissect, decipher what's going on in your thoughts, in your desires, and how you're feeling. ...It's not always going to be good days; there's going to be dark days, bad days.
Most of us allow the quality of our lives depends on our relationships...just imagine if both of you guys are in a happy place, individually. And then collectively, it is amazing...Start there; work from within. And everything hopefully will resonate from outwards, and you'll hopefully bump into someone, meet someone, or someone finds you. Maybe you swipe right, and they swipe right...There's no blueprint on how to find the one. — DJ TonyToni
Ciari and I have made a code as well for you single folks to summarize our episode. This is inspired by George and Amal Clooney’s love story, which is in perfect timing if we must say.
B - Be your best and complete self.
E - Engage him so he can engaged.
A - Act like an object of desire.
M - Mystery is key.
A - Appreciate the process.
L - Let him be. No pressure.
Some of you may have already heard this advice. Some may have not. At times, we all need a friendly and supportive nudge such as this! Please share this post with someone who might need it right now.
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This Week's Episode: January 20, 10 PM
