I am a sucker for a good dating show, from the classic Bachelor franchise to Too Hot To Handle.
They are too easy to binge, and there's nothing more amusing than men and women trying to flirt with each other. I feel like I'm not the only one confused with the dating world.
In our last episode, we focused on the Korean Wave from BTS to K-POP. And, of course, I came across the new reality show that everyone's talking about, Single’s Inferno. So, I binged.
What's the premise? It's a bunch of beautiful Korean men and women on an island called Inferno. No one is allowed to mention their age or occupation in the island. There are no instant biases.
Instead, the reality stars have to bank on the physical attraction and mundane interactions from cooking dinner to getting water.
When two people match, they can leave Inferno for a day and spend time in paradise, a luxury hotel where they can do whatever they want. They can mention their age and occupation in Paradise as well.
They can also eat room service, swim in the pool, and wear facial masks. Pretty mundane activities still.
But there's something so hypnotizing about this show, and it's not their toned bodies or glowing skin. It's the conversations, small exchanges, and acts of service.
This show reminds me of the book Deeper Dating by Ken Page. Here are just some lessons I picked up from both the show and the book:
Know thy self. Every single or taken person should know their "core gifts." What does this mean? It's the things that bring you joy and pain. For example, you love that your partner supports your business. It might be that your core gift is ambition.
Another example is if you are a shy person. It might mean that your core gift is humility. In a healthy relationship, two people need to appreciate these core gifts.
There are two kinds of attraction— attraction of deprivation and inspiration. The first is when your romantic interest makes you feel insecure and codependent. This type of attraction is why some women love complicated or unavailable men.
The other is the attraction of inspiration. Find someone that makes you feel comfortable, accepted, and inspired to grow.
What are signs can you look out for if you're after the latter? Someone who acts with care and integrity. Someone whose actions match their words.
The number one way to build a stronger connection is to show your interest (based on a 2007 study by Robert Epstein, the American psychologist). Don't be too pa-cute. Talk about dreams, values, what matters most, and what makes the other happy. This is how you date deeper.
Understand the wave of distancing. Everyone goes through the feeling of boredom or criticism of potential interest. This feeling doesn't mean we like that person less. Sometimes, it's because fear is stepping in. The best thing to do is not run away but talk to a friend or therapist, do something you both like together or give space. The wave will always pass.
Feelings of love and attraction can grow. You don't have to feel the sparks or an explosion. It can be just like at first sight. There will be progress once you are proactive with two things:
Be open to giving and receiving. It's about kindness and appreciation for each other.
Focus on one quality that you like most about them. For example, his sense of humor or voice. Focusing on that one desirable quality can increase your sexual attraction.
Journal Prompts:
What are your core gifts?
What makes you ashamed?
What makes you happy or proud?
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Every week, Ciari and I set a goal to improve our relationships. This newsletter is for anyone who wants to fall in love again.