Do you want to change your love life? Start with Stutz’s Tools from Jonah Hill’s Therapist
Last year, modern dating headlines stated that not going to therapy was a new dealbreaker. I also saw it on the apps and heard some of our listeners telling us, “I regularly see my therapist.” So I was happy that therapy is now an open topic for many people.
I remember the first time someone told me to go to a therapist. It was because I wasn’t handling my work life well— I got into a restaurant with my first boyfriend. I was also working a corporate job, but not very focused on any purpose. I was not coping at all.
Therapy helped me deal with the chaos. I stopped every time things felt calmer. Then, I’d find myself going to a therapist again if a relationship blew up in my face.
What if we looked at therapy for more mentorship or coaching on our relationships? Wouldn’t it be better to avoid heartbreaks and fights than to only go to a therapist if needed? But, again, it’s about prevention and allowing a relationship to improve rather than a band-aid solution.
When I watched the “Stutz” documentary, I jotted many notes on the tools he created. But here are three that I loved:
We need to accept the aspects of reality— pain, uncertainty, and constant work. The sooner we realize that we all go through the three, the more we will understand our love lives.
Understand one’s life force. There are three things we can work on when we feel down—your relationship with yourself through reflective activities like journaling and writing. Your relationship with people influences your happiness. Take the initiative in making friends or building a supportive community around you. Work on your relationship with your body through good sleep, a healthy diet, and consistent fitness. Combine those three, and you’ll feel extra motivated.
The string of pearls is the idea that you keep moving forward daily. Stutz shared that sometimes the pearl has a little turd inside. No matter how much you don’t like a situation, keep moving positively. I did this with dating. At times, I felt lonely or frustrated after a date, but I kept going. A lousy date gives you an idea of what you don’t want.
Have you seen this documentary? Reply and tell me what you think. Some of you would be too busy to watch, so here’s Netflix’s deep dive into Stutz’s tools.
A micro habit you can try.
I’ve been listening to Diary of a CEO and loved this moment on relationships with Karren Brady. She talks about what makes her marriage successful. And it somehow inspired this week’s micro habits, which are all about dealing with neediness.
Single
Some of us are guilty of this. Once you go on a date with someone, you obsess over a guy or girl who didn’t text back immediately. Or suddenly responds less. The next time you get anxious about someone replying to you, book an appointment to do something fun— exercise, get a haircut, get a spa treatment, or whatever brings you joy.
Taken
Practice Karren’s idea of not needing to be together but wanting to be. She shares in the episode that they are not needy of each other. However, there are little things they each do for each other. She gives the example that her husband never fails to provide her coffee in the morning after his walk. Consistency of kind acts is always welcome.
Smarter love library
Logan Ury gives a lot of candid advice on dating! Follow her everywhere if you want to break negative dating patterns.
Getting over a breakup - Mend is an app that has helped over 3m people all over 210 countries to get over breakups and burnouts. Bookmark it for future heartbreaks. As someone who’s experienced the hollow feeling post-breakup, I wish this app existed then. My hot tip on breakups is to focus on activities that make you more beautiful and smarter. Those that work on activities that help you grow are more likely to heal faster.
What He Said
Ciari and I thought this conversation would be pretty straightforward, but it was deeper than that. Here are our favorite quotes:
"What I figured out in the studying of men is you cannot study manhood without studying or understanding womanhood."
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"Relationship and marriage have become part of a bucket list."
"Number one is you don't argue to win. You argue to improve the relationship."
Listen and catch up on our other episodes. Reply to this email if you have a topic you'd like to suggest.
Share this newsletter with a friend who wants to fall in love again. Only five minutes a week to better dating and relationships.